100. ...that broke the congestion camel...
(morning thinking)
Figuring out those initial stages, the starting places, is difficult. Is there one? Always? One origin moment, an epiphany, a sudden and profound road to Damascus moment.
Can we figure those starting points out and share them? And if so, can they be induced, brought about or created in others?
I often try to pin down a moment in my life where a light shone and I saw THE WAY. I feel like finding and identifying a personal epiphany might let me help other people. It's the kind of knowledge that would constitute real, meaningful, wisdom isn’t it? Was there a pinch point in my life story where all the shit had backed up and piled up? Did that pressure bring down the old walls and open up the landscape so's I could rebuild? Was there a last straw that broke the congestion camel’s back? Does the situation have to get really bad before we take steps toward a meaningful rebirth?
Or is living more complicated than that? Archetypes and familiar story arcs are helpful tools but they’re flickering reflections, broad stroke interpretations of what is, rather than hard lived reality itself.
Are we conditioned by the blitzkrieg bombardment of modern mass media to look for dramatic inciting incidents that spark an ascension point in the hero’s journey of our lives? Does it really, really happen like that? I don’t expect it does but that doesn’t stop me from looking for a point in my life where things tipped from one state to another.
I can think of some shameful lows in my own life that FOR SURE gave me cause to reflect on the path I was following. Nodding off hungover (or, let's be honest, still drunk from the night before) under the buffet table at a kid’s birthday party. Being woken up by kindly police officers just above the high tide line on my local beach, “you can’t sleep here mate, let’s get you home”. Although these significant low points were certainly times where I thought, in the moment and in subsequent self recrimination shame loops, that I didn’t want to live this way, they weren't, I don't think, catalysts of change.
Change comes in the positive steps we take AWAY from those moments and I wonder whether I can pinpoint the realisations or experiences that gave me the strength to dig in, push off, strike out in a new direction.
Some egoic part of me wants there to have been an epiphany that I can frame and hang on the wall. I’m not sure why.
In the moment that comes to mind right now I was meditating on the beach. I had a very sudden perspective shift, realised I could feel every point where my t-shirt touched my skin, saw the way the sun’s warmth and the breeze defined the shape of my physical edges and knew definitively that these were not me, that I was part of everything, that we all are. That’s a profound moment but I was already sat down. I was already meditating. I’d made a choice that got me to that point so it’s clearly not the beginning. A beginning?
Is it ever possible to get to a place before? Is there somewhere behind the starting line?
My mental and physical health began to improve when I made real effort to connect with myself more authentically. With that came self acceptance and trust. When I trusted myself I was more able to open up, make myself vulnerable and forge deeper connections with the people I loved. Connecting more honestly and seeing my courage validated and reflected gave me the strength to reach out to more people. My community grew.
I am in all ways a different individual to that broken, anxious and depressed, alcohol dependent and suicidal man of my youth and perhaps more importantly, I'm now part of multiple, strong and vital, communities.
It has to start inside and there absolutely must be strong foundations. If there was a first spark it’s deep inside me somewhere. When the foundations are strong and the connections built on top are many and interwoven the structures we build up can feel tall and limitless.
Maybe the inciting incident, that initial spark, gets lost under all that building. Maybe it’s not necessary - or a good idea - to try to excavate it. Knowing it’s there, deep down in the foundations is enough. I’m not sure what I’d really get from digging it up to buff and shine, mount and hang on a trophy wall. I'm not sure anyone else would get anything from that.
Probably everyone has to find their own way anyway.
I don’t at all plan what I’m writing. I don’t know I’d know how to. I’m free writing. Letting fly with the thumbs and finger tips and away it goes. I get to the end and I think, “oh I suppose that’s the end. I wonder what that was for?”
It’s a very public therapy session isn’t it? Is it too much? Fuckit. I much prefer this living without masks and brakes. If each of you are an instance of my multifaceted therapist sitting in an armchair while I lie back on your couch to open the emotional mixer tap all the way up, I am extremely grateful.
Thanks for providing this comfy couch!
It is always ok to share. It is absolutely wonderful when I get a new subscriber email. Likes make my heart soar. Comments begin to elevate this from a monologue to a dialogue.
It’s not about statistics, ratings or score. I want to engage with you. I want to connect. I want to be more.
Thank you ever and ever forever for reading.
I love you for being part of this.
Paul.