153. ... Lego brick under our naked heel...
(Morning thinking)
The daily stoic journal asked me whether I am displaying my best qualities.
Sometimes my behaviour is not a reflection of my best self. There are definitely times when I snap at Gus or Kathleen. If I’m tired or hungry or overwhelmed by the world, over stimulated or scared, the people I love the most get the worst of me. I need to figure that out. Either to avoid hangry, exhausted and overwhelmed reactions or to cope better with them when they arise.
In exploring this I came across the addiction counselling concept of HALT.
H.A.L.T.
Addicts risk relapse when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
I’ve seen an S added to the end for Stress but I think all four of these come with stress included so I don't think it's a necessary addition or distinction to make. And HALTS sounds silly, right?
Regardless, we figure out how to avoid those states rising up or getting out of hand and… no relapse? No outbursts? The worst of us is kept in check.
Lack makes us hungry. Lack of nutrition, a lack of food in our belly says “I am hungry” and we know it’s past time to feed. Can that churny feeling also be a lack of emotional or intellectual fulfilment? Hunger, in the abstract sense, might be felt as the grinding gears of our fundamental desire to be complete. I mean, when our sense of purpose is lacking we yearn for fulfilment oil to lubricate those growth gears. The hunger we feel is a reminder of our essential human condition, our constant need to pursue knowledge and meaningful experiences that will nourish our souls and give depth to our existence.
“Soul”, "inner self," "consciousness," "personal essence" - say it however you like.
Hunger drives our quest to satisfy this want for growth. Keeping our bellies full and our mind occupied with stimulating positive challenges should then stave off the nagging discomfort of hunger.
What does this look like?
Weight loss plans advise keeping nutritious snacks readily available to fend off the physical discomfort of hunger between meals. But erratic eating patterns destabilise us - snacks should exist within a consistent routine of balanced meals. We can practice mindfulness when eating; focus on the experience of each bite to reconnect with and make sense of our body's hunger and cessation cues. These approaches equate as well to physical as to emotional hunger. Have regular, scheduled opportunities to fulfil our emotional needs. Snack on kindness: smile at strangers, hold doors open, let other cars out ahead of you. Reflect on who we are by taking time to recognise our own value and merit.
What makes us angry? Little burning embers within us flare up ignite and rage most fiercely in response to injustice or when we perceive a threat to our safety, values or beliefs.
Anger is fuelled by the frustration we feel in the abrupt misalignment between how things are and how we think they ought to be. Gears grinding. Anger’s potent force underscores our individuality, highlighting our boundaries and asserting our unique existence in the world. THIS IS ME. MINE. We’d be less if we banished anger entirely.
Anger can be both destructive and transformative, serving as a catalyst for change. Anger, well managed, can challenge us to confront the conflicts and disparities in our lives, pushing us to seek resolution and find harmony amidst the chaos of existence. In this sense, anger can be seen as an impassioned reminder of our capacity to engage with the world, to demand a more just and meaningful version of reality.
Witnessing our anger, sitting with it and recognising its value, allows us to learn from it without reacting explosively. The problems come when we impose or force our rage on those around us. Unrestrained, out of control anger rarely solves problems.
Seneca wrote that anger is “…set in motion by an impression received of a wrong” but he questioned whether anger would then escalate on its own. He asked “…does it follow immediately on the impression and break out without any involvement of the mind? Or, is some assent by the mind required for it [anger] to be set in motion?” The stoic view is that anger undertakes nothing on its own, only with the mind's approval. Assent. Choice. We have to agree with our first impression and let it lead the way.
Epictetus said “it's not the Lego brick under our naked heel that angers us but our reaction to the lego brick…” something like that.
Deep slow breaths in the presence of anger (and Lego bricks) calms the nervous system, allowing us to begin to assert control over our emotional response. We can seek means for healthy anger outlets. Sometimes talking is enough; the ear of a patient, trusted friend can dissipate ire.
More ear less ire.
Funnelling frustration through a pen or keyboard, mediating our madness through words in a personal journal, pours cold water on anger’s fire. Knocking seven bells out of a punch bag or pounding miles of indignation into the pavement can exhaust wrath.
The Buddha gave us…"You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger."
Dissonance, distance and disconnect make us lonely. Loneliness underscores the profound sense of isolation that is fundamental to the human condition. Loneliness reminds us of our unique individuality, pushing us together to bond. Loneliness is an itch that drives us, challenging us to seek meaning and connection in a vast and often indifferent universe. It can be a crucible for self-discovery or a canvas upon which we paint the colours of our introspective journey. Loneliness urges us to seek meaning, to bridge the gaps between ourselves and others, and to explore the depths of our own existence. It's a pointy stick, poignant reminder of our inherent quest for connection and understanding in the face of our profound separateness.
We can seek out meaningful social support with friends and family, or push ourselves to join - or even form! - community groups, clubs, teams, unions. That takes some bravery but just a little seems to go quite far.
Exploring even thin or lightly held interests, questioning the world with other people can help to build a sense of fulfillment and purpose.
Practicing self-compassion and self-care cultivates a positive relationship with ourself. When we’re more comfortable in our own company we feel less lonely.
"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone".
What makes us tired? Neglect? When we fail to give ourselves time to rest or space to allow tension and fear to dissipate we become tired. Maybe fatigue hints at the finite nature of human existence; a reminder that we are bound by time and physical limitations. Our weariness serves as a testament to the effort we’ve put out in pursuing the various goals and ambitions that give our life meaning. When we’re drained we’re forced to pause and recharge, to perhaps reflect on the balance between action and rest, encouraging us to appreciate the value of stillness and introspection in a world driven by ceaseless activity. Fatigue reminds us that, in our journey through life, we must find moments of reprieve to recharge our spirits and contemplate the meaning of our endeavours within this broader context of existence.
Prioritising rest and sleep combats fatigue ensures body and mind are well-rested but until very recently western culture seemed hell bent on finding ways to stigmatise and even eradicate sleep. Warren Zevon gave us “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” and Jon Bon Jovi got it stuck in everyone’s head. Politicians and business moguls were lauded for taking only small snatches of sleep. Energy drinks in narrow cans kept us fuelled. Matthew Walker’s excellent book Why We Sleep points out the folly of this approach to sleep while explaining the unassailable necessity for a solid 7 to 8 hours of restful sleep. Consistent bed times, comfortably south of midnight get us the best rest. When we condition our bodies to sleep and treat rest as a valued prize we strengthen our resilience mentally and physically.
Reminder to self - Allocate ten minutes in the day for relaxation and self-care, meditation if you can, to process and repair after the stressors and conflicts of the day. A little goes a long way.
I go through phases of healthy meditation but it's not a habit I've managed to bed in permanently.
Conversely, it’s not at all necessary to spend hours in the gym. A simple, ten minute exercise routine at the same time every day boosts energy levels and reduce feelings of tiredness. The consistency trains our body and mind to understand that we care about ourselves.
In her book on Stoic Wisdom Nancy Sherman lists the basic requirements that underpin a dignified life, “health and food security, economic security, bodily integrity, safety against violence, friendship”.
These seem to sit comfortably within the headings of H.A.L.T.
Hungry - Eat mindfully, regularly and well.
Angry - Notice anger, pause and consider its value. Respond rather than react.
Lonely - Find and forge friendships. Lean in to relationships.
Tired - Set up for good sleep on a consistent schedule.
Thanks for reading. I like a simple acronym. Life’s too complicated generally for generalising and simplification, but also, life’s too complicated sometimes not to try and simplify and generalise.
H.A.L.T. seems handy. When I feel a wobble it’s easy to check whether I’m feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired.
Might be handy knuckle tattoos…
Thanks for reading…
Always the reaction to the brick! It’s like trying to blame our kids for ‘making us angry’ fucken ridiculous. I’ve done it, absolutely but I try not to anymore. I still manage anger. It’s not so simple that you understand the situation it’s practicing your response so one day, you nail it! I like HALT because it’s also a reminder to stop what you’re doing, drop the expectation (because that’s usually what is causing the conflict) and breathe! Stop, drop & breathe. Then we can respond instead of reacting…well at least sometimes!
Yes yes yes yes yes.